Jutsus and Magic A HP Naruto Cross
by PadmeTsuki
Summary: Yet another crossover. Fear it, and enjoy it's cracklike humour with a bowl of ramen and a mug of chocolate milk.
1. Letters

Padders: Hokai. My first fic in…oh, three years?

Orochimaru: Personally, I don't think you shouldn't be let near a keyboard, Padme.

Padders: What's that supposed to mean?

Orochimaru: Oh, nothing…Nothing at all.  
Padders: I'll have Sevs nail you.

Orochimaru: Lies.

--

Chapter One: Letters are Troublesome

Usually, at the beginning of an adventure filled with action and suspense, the story will begin on a perfectly boring morning where nothing at all seems to be happening.

But in this case, it was not so.

Nara Shikamaru pulled himself back under the covers, grunting irritably. He didn't like festivals. As far as he was concerned, they were damned bothersome. Noisy crowds, overpriced food stalls and the smell of frying meat at every second turn.

It was probably something his team-mate, Chouji, would have enjoyed.

The Hidden Village of Konoha. The place had a festival every few weeks, at his recollection. What was it this time? The beginning of Spring, the end of Spring? Or had some noble clan proclaimed one of its members as their new heir? The boy didn't care. He shoved his hands over his ears for the time being, muttering something about 'finding a happy place'.

It was at that moment his mother ripped the covers off of her sons bed, announcing in a peeved tone,

'Breakfast is ready. Don't be like your father, and come downstairs.'

'_Women are troublesome,'_ Shikamaru reminded himself as he staggered towards the breakfast table, the noise of the festival outside still ringing in his ears.

'Shikamaru,' his father yawned, the same irritable facial expression as Shikamaru spread across his face.

'You've got…mail.' He finished, downing his drink in two gulps, and handing a neat, white envelope to his son.

'How bothersome.' The boy replied, picking up the letter, and holding his tea in the other hand.

'Mail, it's often some pointless rabble about official business, or a long forgotten acquaintance rambling on about old times…' the sleepy chuunin mumbled quietly, trying to avoid his mothers glare.

Shikamaru ripped open the envelope, unfolded the message and placed it down on the table. A few moments passed, the only noise being the clamouring outside the Nara's home compound, and the chink of Shikamaru's father refilling his cup.

'I can't read this squiggly nonsense.' The boy said finally, folding the letter back up, and putting it into his jacket pocket. Another few moments passed, before Shikamaru's father yawned lazily, picking up his tea again.

'What do you mean?'

'It's not written in Kanji, and I don't think it's in our language, even.'

'Huh?'

Shikaku picked up the letter, scanning it quickly. He handed it back to his son, shrugging.

'That's English. Definitely not Japanese. Can't make heads nor tails of it, Shikamaru.'  
Shikamaru's mother, Yoshino, sighed audibly.

'Neither of you paid attention in the academy's foreign language classes, did you?'

Shikamaru snorted, sipping his tea.

'I can kind of understand the language, but…you know…'  
'Moving the pen across the paper is bothersome, am I right?' his mother growled, an eyebrow twitching visibly. Shikamaru had never learnt to write in English, despite the fact it was a requirement for shinobi to do so, as it was a widely used foreign language.

Shikamaru yawned audibly, stretching his arms back, and cracked both sets of knuckles in an attempt to wake up fully.

'I'm going to see the Fifth,' he said, a half-asleep look still decorating his face.

'Whatever for?' his father asked in the same, sleepy and unmotivated tone.

'I'm going to see if she understands this letter,' he replied, 'And I'm also going to complain about the noise.' He gestured towards the window, heaving a sigh. Festivals were definitely bothersome.

--

Uzumaki Naruto was nothing at all like Shikamaru. He loved festivals, no matter how crowded, expensive, or noisy. As long as ero-sennin wasn't there.

He had woken up several hours before Shikamaru had done, in order to be there in time for the start of the celebrations. 'In time', for Naruto was at least an hour beforehand, and most of the time he had spare from that he would spend either training, or knocking on doors excitedly, reminding half the neighbourhood that 'a very important day was beginning'. It was a little different this morning though. It began upon discovering a letter very similar to Shikamaru's. Unlike the Nara, Naruto could read romaji. But he still wasn't that competent with the English language, having spent his time at the academy in an even less efficient manner than Shikamaru.

'Ano…What's this crap?' the boy picked up the envelope, opening it roughly. 'I don't have time for missions today, the summer festival is way more exciting…' he unfolded the paper curiously. Kakashi-sensei was always late anyway.

_HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY…_

Of course Naruto had no idea what that meant. He picked up the envelope, which he had tossed aside without concern, and examined it carefully.

_Naruto Uzumaki,_

_Second apartment on the third floor,_

_Block no. 19,_

_Hidden Village of Konoha_

Aside from the numbers, Naruto only understood three words of the address, and they all referred to him. He ran his fingers through his blonde hair in bewilderment. Who the hell would send him a letter anyway? Especially one not written in his own language.

Naruto pocketed it, picked up his wallet, and left for Ichiraku Ramen.

It was probably some kind of prank from that Uchiha Sasuke bastard. He was much smarter than Naruto, so Naruto figured he could most likely pull off something stupidly annoying like this. Of course, Naruto wasn't going to fall for a joke like this. He was the master of all pranks. He had to figure out a way to get his own back on Sasuke.

Walking along, he devised a scheme for revenge. Something subtle, but completely crackpot at the same time, that should do it… Naruto became distracted for a moment, at the sight of one of his friends, out of the corner of his eye.

_Why was Kiba burying letters in his front garden?_

The boy was digging furiously on all fours, a handful of letters in his jaws, and a significant pile behind him. Akamaru's head burst out of it, and the dog barked happily at Naruto. The blonde was still staring at the letters, which he had just noticed, were identical to his.

'Hey, Naruto. Can you gimme a hand here?' Kiba growled, through a mouthful of envelope.

'Uhh…sure, but I was headed to the festival…'

'Just help me get rid of these.'

Naruto squatted next to Kiba, eyeing the envelopes curiously.

'You got some too?' Naruto asked, raising an eyebrow.

'Too?' Kiba sat up. 'I threw them out, burned them, tore them to bits.'

'Then why…' Naruto began, only to have his question answered by a snarl from Akamaru.

An extremely large bird had plonked itself on to the lawn where they were digging. It hooted loudly, dropping a collection of letters, and proceeding to then peck Akamaru before taking off again.

Kiba growled, shaking his fist at the bird, before stamping on the newly deposited documents.

'That, Naruto, is why.'

Naruto scratched his head for the second time. _Sasuke's really gone and done a big one this time._

'Sasuke's been the one distributing these, I think, Kiba.' Naruto nodded his head while saying this, his arms folded tightly.

'You think?' Kiba sighed. 'Maybe you should ask him.'

Naruto snorted audibly, his bottom lip sticking out like an overripe tomato.

'Hell no, like I'm going to ask that stuck-up, no-good bastard…'

'Who's a stuck-up, no-good bastard?' a voice that was clearly Sasuke's growled icily from behind Naruto. The boy jumped.

'N-n-n-nobody, Sasuke-kun, nobody at all…'

'Really?' the eyebrows on the boys face were twitching irritably. 'I can think of lots of people…more specifically, you.' He shoved a letter into Naruto's hand, a scowl on his face.

_Sasuke Uchiha,_

_Largest house out of nine,_

_Uchiha Clan Compound,_

_Hidden Village of Konoha._

'You got one too?' Naruto sounded even more puzzled.

'Quite joking around, idiot. Why did you send me this crap?'

'I didn't send it! I thought you sent it!'

'Why the hell would I do something like that?'

It was Naruto's turn to shove a letter in Sasuke's face.

'What the…' the boy pushed back his hair for a moment, holding up the letter.

'You see?' Naruto scowled. 'Now what the hell is going on here?'

This argument didn't particularly interest Kiba much. He shoved the remaining letters into the hole, and turned to Sasuke, whose face was now as red as his Sharingan.

'Oi. Sasuke.' The boy yawned, dusting his hands off. 'Would you mind…'  
'Mind doing what?' the eyebrows were twitching more vigorously now.

'Just…fireballing these for me.'

'Fine.' The boy gestured his hand towards the letters, 'Those?'

'I was going to take mine to Tsunade no ba-chan.' Naruto sighed, folding his arms.

'Shut up, Naruto.' Sasuke mumbled coldly, forming a series of seals, only to be hit by an unidentified flying mass midway. There was a loud screech as it hit the ground.

'WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?' Sasuke grabbed his temples and flopped to one side.

Not one, but six birds were now sitting on the lawn, the last having hit Sasuke square in the head. The largest gave a hoot, as if to mock the boys sitting in front of it.

'Fine. Fine.' Sasuke stood up slowly, rubbing his temples. 'Naruto, would going to the Fifth involve any large and annoying birds?'  
'Well, not really, but Tsunade no ba-chan is sort of a large and annoy...'

'Then it's settled.'

Kiba thrust a pile of dirt over his letters, picked up Akamaru, and followed the two genin towards the Village's main office.

--

Meanwhile, Shikamaru wandered through the festival, the mysterious letter in his pocket, and the unpleasant stench of salty ramen up his nostrils.

'Yeesh, what a smell. And the noise is unpleasant on it's own.' Shikamaru was now mumbling quietly to himself to prevent the possibility of a mental breakdown. God, how he hated crowds, and noise, and especially…

'Shikamaru-kuuun!' an exceptionally annoyed female voice called out behind him.

_Damn it. What now. _

'Shikamaru!' Yamanaka Ino looked more threatening than usual.

'What did I do NOW?' the youth was now on the verge of collapsing emotionally.

'This.' The blonde-haired kunoichi shoved a letter into his hands.

'You too, huh.' Shikamaru handed it back to her.  
_Females are just so troublesome._

'Stop playing games, Shikamaru! I've had like, a hundred of these this morning alone!'

'Look, before you have a complete breakdown, Ino, I'm going to see Hokage-sama about _my_ letter.' He twitched slightly. 'Yes, Ino, I have a letter too. So, how about, _I_ drag you along with me, since _you_ obviously have the same kind of problem as I do at this moment in time.' Shikamaru was biting the inside of his cheek at this point.

_Crap. Now she's going to kill me._

There was a pregnant pause.

'Shikamaru.' She began, 'You've never said that much to me before.'

'Yadda yadda yadda.' The boy sounded unusually annoyed, 'Does that matter?'

'No, not really. It was just surprising.'

'Are you coming to find out what this letter means, or not?'  
'I know what it means, Shikamaru. I just think it's stupid.'

There was another pause.

'You know what it means?'

'Yes. I'll read it to you.'

Ino pulled the letter out and unfolded it.

_Miss Yamanaka,_

_We would like to congratulate you on being accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Normally we would accept students of a younger age, but special circumstances apply in this case._

_As this will be your first year, we have provided here the information in order to reach the school._

_The school train leaves at exactly 11 o'clock in the morning, from platform nine and three quarters, King's Cross station ,in London. Just look for where the other students are._

'Then follows a long list of books, items and clothing we're _supposed_ to buy. Some joke.' Ino exclaimed in frustrated manner.

'Just come with me to see the bothersome old lady.' Shikamaru was getting tired of talking with her, and the festival was reaching it's peak business hours, around mid-morning.

'Alright.' Ino scrunched up the paper and stuffed it into her pocket unceremoniously.

The two teammates made their way up the seemingly never-ending flight of stairs that lead to Konoha's main office complex. Ino paused to look at the four carved faces of the previous Hokages on the cliff-face.

'You know…'

'What?'

'I've always wondered something.'

'What…'

'How come Tsunade-sama doesn't have her face up there, Shikamaru-kun?'

There was yet another long, and pregnant pause.

'I don't know, Ino. We have at least twenty more steps to go, perhaps you can ask the Fifth yourself, when we get there.'

After they had reached the top, of what seemed like several hundred steps, Shikamaru dropped to his knees. Ino blinked.

'What's the matter now?'  
'I. Am never. Doing that. Again.'

'You could have just leapt up here using chakra.'

Shikamaru ignored her. _Women are bothersome. Women are bothersome._ He kept repeating this to himself quietly in his mind, hoping it might help.

Ino didn't have time to say anything else, as a crashing sound was heard coming from inside the building, visibly shaking it. Shikamaru hauled himself up.

_I'm not having a good day. That much is obvious._

Shikamaru took a deep breath and counted to ten. If what was said about the Fifth's temper was true, then Shikamaru was about to face something much worse than his mother on a Monday morning.

Outside the Hokage's office, a group of genin stood. It appeared Shikamaru was not the only one having a bad day, and Kiba had been attempting to dispose of unwanted items again, in the usual way- digging.

'Naruto, she's obviously busy.' Kiba suppressed a growl with difficulty.

'I don't care! She has a responsibility as Hokage!'

'Give it a rest, Naruto.' Sasuke sighed, leaning against the door with one arm.

Naruto had been pounding on the door for some time, and the only reply the flustered boy had received was

'Naruto, not now.'

But Naruto was here _now_, and was going to speak with her _now_.

The door creaked open. And a clearly annoyed Hyuuga Neji peered out.

'What do you want, idiot? Didn't you hear?'

'Yeah, I did. But I wanted to know what this letter—'  
'Letter?'

Neji ripped it from Naruto's hand. He scanned the envelope quickly.

'Damn. You were our prime suspect, Naruto.'

He opened the door fully, gesturing them inside.

Five other teenagers, including Neji, were lined up in front of Tsunade's desk, each bearing a sack, full of letters.

Neji, and the genin from teams 7, 8 and 10 all appeared to have exactly the same problem. Letters from a strange place called 'Hogwarts'.

'Look, I really have no idea what it means, you getting these,' Tsunade was saying this for the fifteenth time, 'They're obviously from overseas, but they are, indeed all addressed to the right people.'

This just caused even more commotion among the young ninja. Akamichi Chouji began munching even faster on his current bag of chips, and Ino and Sakura began arguing over who was the most likely suspect out of Shikamaru and Naruto. The Hokage slumped downwards into her desk, and called for her assistant.

'London is a city in England, so yes, these are foreign letters.' Shizune examined each of them carefully. 'And if you keep getting more, I suggest you reply, or even meet the demands of these messages. That would be the only way to find out what is really going on.'

Hyuuga Hinata raised her hand to speak shyly.

'Ano…But there is no sender address…does that mean..'

'Yes Hinata. The only way to uncover this is to go to this "Hogwarts" place.' Shizune replied, handing a letter back to Tsunade.

'Alright. I'll see if I can arrange some transport.' She took a long gulp of sake, and rubbed the bags under her eyes. 'Though I really don't see how it is important…'

Shizune shot her a glare.

'But I suppose if it is troubling these villagers of Konoha, then of course!'

At that moment, Shikamaru spoke, a note of irritation in his voice.

'So, all ten of us, are being dispatched to a place we've never heard of until now, simply to discover the person behind this incredibly ingenious prank?' he took a breath, 'What about our missions?'

The Hokage paused, taking several deep breaths. This had to be the weirdest day she'd had, since the time when she was made to do community service for street-drinking of all things.

_I really must re-examine that law._

She opened her eyes, which now held the expression of 'why-am-I-here?'

'The academy students of this year are almost ready to graduate, and even with you gone, there are plenty of your year's rookies to take your place.' She paused for some more liquor. 'Simply put, missions will be taken by other genin, which would normally be accepted by you guys.'

'I see…' Hinata rubbed her nose.

'If Hinata-sama goes, I'm going with her.' Neji announced, peering over his cousin's shoulder. Tsunade seemed as if she wanted to end the discussion quickly, and leant against her hand in an expression of extreme boredom, not unlike Shikamaru's. Paperwork seemed friendly right now.

'Did you receive a letter?' Shizune asked, since Tsunade had clearly had enough of the issue, and more than enough sake.

'It was addressed to both of us. We both received one, though.'

'You all received these letters?'

'Why else would we be here?' Naruto shoved his face across the desk.

'Then I'll make arrangements for you to get to London.'

The woman grinned, and in concluding the discussion, managed to pry the sake bottle from Tsunade's fingers.

Shikamaru made his way back home, staring at the littered ground.

As he approached the front yard, he looked up at the sky, shoving his hands into his pockets. What exactly was he going to tell his mother? _'Hey oka-chan ,I'm going to some place called London, to investigate some random letter I received this morning, so I'll send postcards, alright?'_

Like that was going to make her happy. The boy heaved a long sigh.

'I wonder if the clouds are different in England…'

--

Padders: Well, that wasn't so hard.  
Orochimaru: Where the hell am I in this story?

Padders: You'll be in a suitcase on the back of the Hogwarts express if you don't watch it.

Read and Review please.


	2. Departures

Padders: Sorry I'm late updating. Computer troubles.

Orochimaru: Liar. You were sleeping.

Padders: Quieten down, or no medical samples for you.

Orochimaru: ….Bloody author.

---

Chapter Two- Departures

The letters that had been plaguing the Konoha genin had ceased, finally.

Shikamaru's mother had given him a look of disapproval as he announced that he would be going on a mission to this place….England, he had said it was. She argued it was merely an excuse to get out of his work, and he'd better stop these lies immediately. His reply to this was that lies were bothersome things to come up with, because they usually ended up with the liar in more messy business that originally intended. For instance, what really happened to Mister Greeny the budgie? That subject was frequently brought up.

Now, the teenagers had been escorted to the Village of the Sand, where they were told they would catch a 'flight' from destination A to destination B. Naruto was not pleased.

'How do we know when we're supposed to go? Where do we go? How do we go?' he scowled, flipping through the airline timetables impatiently, and with an air of 'what-the-hell'.

'The letters specify that the train…The Express, will take us from point B, to point C, on the 1st of September.' Shino explained, reading a number of documents through his spectacles. Naruto wondered how it was possible to read any kind of language through those things.

'Huh?'

'…From London to Hogwarts.'

The genin gazed up at the plane with an expression of wonder. They'd never seen anything like it before…so shiny…so streamlined…and so…colourful? Ino wondered what kind of person designed the outside of this ridiculous piece of transportation.

'So many purple swirly things…' she mouthed at Sakura, whose face was a mixture of giggling and trying-not-to-giggle.

Her distorted expression was cut short as a hand grabbed her arm. It was Gaara. He had his usual blank facial expression, and in response to this, Sakuras resembled that of a terrified instant messenger emoticon. She let out a small squeak.

'What?'

'Ehhh….Hello?' she managed to mumble.

'Well, yes. I came to warn you of something.'

'Oh?' Sakura was surprised. Was flying that dangerous?

'Do not, under any circumstances, consume any in-flight cuisine.'  
'Why? Is it that bad?'  
'…Projectile vomiting.' The boy coughed, ruffling his red hair.

'Ewwww.' She screwed her face up, and made a mental note.

Shikamaru was busy going through the in-flight menu, searching for mackerel. There was none. He turned to Chouji, and pulled him away from a group of customs shinobi, who had confiscated his potato chips. He was becoming annoyed at how they were right in front of the plane, and yet they still weren't boarding. Naruto was sharing the same opinion, and had proceeded to climb about boxes that were being prepared for transport.

'Heey, what's this?' he climbed atop a huge crate labelled 'Urgent: Konoha' and gazed at it for a long period of time.

'…That, is the repair of the Fifth Hokage's sandstone sculpture.' Gaara pulled him off the box. 'Now, please don't do that.'

Naruto jutted his lower lip straight out, growling. He was bored.

Sasuke was also having trouble. A stray cat had attached itself to him, and he simply could not get rid of it. Customs was swarming around him, telling him he shouldn't take animals out of the country, and it might have diseases, or it might be feral, and the list went on. Sasukes mind was spinning. He couldn't attack them. Handing the cat over would be simple, but having it attached to his right shin was not making that option very easy…or painless. His only other choice was to take the cat with him, but that wasn't exactly possible with the reasons they were throwing at him. He took another option. Lie.

'Yes, I have this cats papers, it's registered under my name. Yeah. His name is Jiko….Yeah.' He put on a deadpan expression and reached into his back pocket, pretending to ferret around for papers.

He found some.

His hand shaking, the boy pulled them out. He hadn't expected anything to be there. He was planning on making a small excuse and wriggling his way out of the situation with the cat still firmly clinging to his leg, but this didn't seem the case.

He handed the papers over.

'Actually, here it says he is a she…and her name is Minnie.'

'Aah…My mistake.' Sasuke bit his lip, eyebrows inclined.'

Sasuke got away with his new…accessory, which had now buried itself in his chest, underneath his shirt. Akamaru wasn't pleased with the new companion, growling at it at every opportunity.

'Oh god, that scary woman is piloting.' Shikamaru hid behind Chouji unsuccessfully, as Temari boarded first, entering the cockpit. Ino snorted back laughter, as she stored her luggage. Which was a lot of luggage.

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard this…mission…uhh, transport? Bah. Welcome aboard our flight.' The speaker muffled with a large amount of static. 'For safety, please do not stow large amounts of luggage in the overhead compartment. Do not wear high heels. Do not burn substances of high flammability, or explosives. Do not commit any acts of an intimate nature, and do not attempt to open any of the plane doors during the 16 hour duration of the flight. Thank you.'

Sakura looked at Ino and Hinata.

'Commit acts of an intimate nature?' she snorted, giggling loudly.

'Anyone wanna join the mile high club?' Ino snorted back, making Hinata turn the brightest shade of red yet, and cackle louder than both of them.

'How come I have to sit next to you?' Naruto looked at Shino, a saddened look on his face.

'Those are the rules.'

Naruto scowled.

'Ladies and gentlemen, take-off will commence immediately. Please fasten your seat belts, and secure all possessions in seat pockets, overhead compartments or under the seat in front of you.'

Sasuke attempted to place Minnie in the seat pocket, but this only resulted in a hiss and several scratches to the chest and face. He replaced the cat underneath his shirt, and fastened his belt. How annoying.

The ten passengers…and two animals braced themselves as Temari reached the end of the extremely bumpy runway. Sand Village should have invested in a steamroller.

The plane left the ground somewhat more smoothly, wavering a little before steadily climbing higher.

'Just imagine what it's going to be like landing.' Kiba looked at Akamaru who had curled up in his jacket, shaking.

Padme: Second chapter….  
Orochimaru: So TOTALLY overdue.

(For those who are wondering, Jiko means 'accident')


	3. InFlight Entertainment

Padme: Third chapter. Whoo.

Orochimaru: Idiot.

Padme: …I have no insult.

Orochimaru: …Like I said, idiot.

---

Chapter Three- In-flight Entertainment

Two hours had passed. Chouji had finished all sources of food on the plane, excluding the risky in-flight snacks. The cogs in Narutos brain were turning, brooding over some scheme to disrupt the air of tired, bored and 'oh-my-god-we're-passing-another-mountain-range' that was suffocating the people around him. Scenery was boring. And counting the number of happy kitten faces on the chair embroidery was even worse. Naruto had given up after about five hundred and fifty three.

'What are you scheming, Naruto?' Neji waved a hand in front of his face.

'Nothing.'

'Lies.'

'Really, nothing.'

'Liiies.'

Naruto grinned.

'HENGE!'

Naruto was instantly replaced by a female version of himself, clothed in absolute nothingness.

Neji said nothing, and responded by grinning just as stupidly.

'You think that's going to affect someone like me? I see that kind of stuff twenty-four-seven.'

Naruto giggled, and reverted back to his orange-clad self. He pointed to Shino, who was discreetly covering the bloodstain on his excessively huge jacket-collar.

'You pervert.' He grinned back at Neji, who just shook his head.

Another hour passed. Sasuke, having fallen asleep, was now Narutos new target. He could shave his hair. He could paint stupid things on his face. He could even shove things down his shirt. Naruto was not aware something had already taken up residence in Sasukes shirt. The warm fluffball of grey known as Minnie, was purring loudly against his chest, and was probably the initial cause of Sasuke falling asleep in the first place. That, and the fact it was now eleven at night for the ten shinobi. Naruto of course, couldn't sleep. This was his first time on a plane, and he was going to make everyone remember it.

He reached into his bag, pulling out a kunai. _Sasuke, Sasuke, who gave you a crew cut?_ He thought to himself, trying not to giggle.

He leant over the seat and carefully gathered up some of Sasuke's hair, and prepared to cut it.

Sasukes hand grabbed him suddenly, causing him to squeak. He was sure Sasuke had been asleep.

'Niii-saaaan, you're so meeean.' A second hand came flying at his face, and seconds later Naruto was back in his seat, a red mark shaped distinctly like Sasukes hand imprinted on his cheek.

His deed of mischief ruined, the boy leant back in his seat, and pulled out a comic from the bag next to him. It wasn't as fun as cutting Sasukes hair, but it would have to do.

Eight hours from departure. Naruto was asleep.

Neji had woken up from a substantial nap of roughly five and a half hours; to find Naruto head back in the seat, drooling, with one of _his_ comics flopped over his chest. It did not please Neji to see the boy, one because he was salivating dangerously near to the comic, and two, he had just been plagued by a nightmare of nude Naruto females using the Byakugan against him. He was about to place his hand over the teenagers throat and strangle him, but something caught his attention.

He got out of his seat, and stormed into the cockpit, the floor creaking as he went.

'What's his problem…?' Ino elbowed Sakura in the ribs sleepily. Hinata mumbled something about soba noodles and curled up tighter in the seat. Sakura yawned, elbowing Ino back, growling 'I don't have time for this, Naruto', and flopping her hands over her ears.

Neji stared at the enormous mug of coffee Temari was brandishing at him in one hand. It was blue and white striped, and inky-black coffee was seeping over the edges.

'WHY are you in here?' Temari snarled, the bags under her eyes giving her a frightening appearance.

Neji pointed forwards. Temari sighed.

'WHAT.'

'Turbulence.'

'Not possible. I have radar, what do you have?'

'This.' Nejis brows crinkled. 'Nice underwear, by the way.'

Temaris eyes widened, and the coffee of black, boiling doom was instantly running down Nejis face.

'ALRIGHT. I see your point. But why are you so concerned?'

'My cousin gets travel sick easily. It would be advisable for them to put on their seatbelts, yes?'

'Ladies and gentlemen, we are likely to ex--- ALRIGHT!' the loudspeaker hissed momentarily. 'It has been brought to my attention that we are very likely to experience some severe turbulence in the next few minutes. Please fasten your seatbelts, put your seats in the upright position and remember that there is the option of sick-bags.'

Neji came back to his seat looking very smug, and pulled the comic out of Narutos hands roughly. The boy didn't move.

'I'm not going to tell you anything, but if you can hear me, brace yourself, Naruto.' Neji grinned. Naruto was snoring loudly, and nicely slumped forward, and due to lack of seatbelt security, was half-on his seat, and half-off.

The plane shook violently. Akamaru clung to Kibas head, but could not help being thrown up and down by the force, and Kiba was sustaining more damage because of this.

'Why don't you sit on my lap, dog?' an irritated and sleepy voice scolded the animal, and Akamaru was promptly tucked into a fluffy grey jacket and zipped halfway in securely.

Naruto was now entirely on the floor, and had somehow managed to roll into the middle of the aisle. Still sleeping, he had caught Hinatas eye, and with an expression of 'what-in-the-hell?', she shook Ino.

'What is Naruto-kun doing on the floor?' she had a bewildered look.

'No idea. Being stupid, I suppose?' Ino slumped herself back on to the fold-out table in front of her, leaving Hinata to stare at the continuously moving orange-clad teenager.

'We will proceed with the descent in five minutes. We will be flying low to avoid radar detection, and will be arriving at a previously secured area three kilometres north of point B. You will be walking to point B, and will be supplied with maps upon departure of this aircraft.'

Temaris announcement went to waste. The entire group was in a state of deep sleep, and could have best been compared to logs.

Naruto had rolled back into the row where he had been sitting, by a miracle, as it were. Neji looked at him for a moment, before pulling him back into the seat, and fastening his seatbelt.

'Children.' He sighed.

Landing was significantly smoother than Shikamaru had expected. Apart from hitting a series of oak trees on the way down, no one had been injured. Except Chouji. He had, despite the warnings of Sakura, eaten the in-flight food.

'I was hungry…but now I feel like a piece of sludge with limbs.' The boy mumbled as he got off the plane, collapsing in the wet grass.

'Don't worry about it.' Shikamaru rubbed his eyes. 'What time is it here?'

'Three in the morning.' Temari was re-fuelling, and preparing the small plane for the return flight.

'I suppose we're walking under cover of darkness, then?' Shikamaru yawned, leaning against a very battered tree that had been hit on the way down.

'Yes, you are. Should take you about half an hour to reach point B, King's Cross Station, I presume you've read the map?'

'Yeah.' He sighed. 'It's too early for work. Gotta sleep.' He mumbled, collapsing next to Chouji.

---

Padme: Ugh. Done.

Orochimaru: Oh my, you sound enthusiastic.

Padme: What? I like writing this. It's good for me to write humour.  
Orochimaru: And I'm a budgerigar named Sally.


	4. Locomotion

Padme: Here we go again. XD

Orochimaru: You promised me experiments and incredible discoveries beyond my wildest dreams.

Padme: I promised you a lot of things.

---

Chapter Four- Locomotion

The Konoha ninja had forgotten one thing in terms of the mission. _Looking the same._

The group had become quite the centre of attention, leaning against the platform wall sleepily, sitting amongst trolleys of baggage. Comments like '_they must be here for some kind of festival,' _and '_Oh my goodness how incredibly original!_' were making Sasuke wish he hadn't packed all his combat equipment securely in his suitcase full of clothes.

Hinata and Ino had begun investing the matter of what they had named 'The missing platform nine-and-three-quarters'. Ino suggested looking for other students, but since she could speak English a lot more fluently than Hinata, asked her to simply locate them for her.

'We don't need Cambridge! We need Hogwarts!' Ino was tearing her hair out. A hand grabbed her from behind. She responded by giving the owner a spectacular experience of slamming into concrete.

'OWW, WHAT THE HELL?….HEY!' The red-haired boy clenched his skull, and turned to face Ino, who was a head shorter than him.  
'Keep it down will you? Don't you know where the platform is?' the boy scowled.  
'Yeah, don't you know where it is?' an almost identical voice rang out behind Ino.

'GYAAAH! Bunshin!' Ino wailed at the two teenagers.

'Huh?'

'So, Fred, George, who are these people?' A smaller pair of boys had joined the pair of twins, and were now gawking at the group of oddly-dressed group of ninja.

'We're looking for the train to Hogwarts…Do you know where it is?' Ino asked, trying to break the silence.

'Yeah, of course.' The first boy piped up.

'You walk straight through that column there.' The second added, pointing to the concrete pillar which had the number nine painted on it.

'Uhh…Alright then.' Ino raised both eyebrows. 'Guuuys, I found the way to the train!'

'Oh bother. Work.' Shikamaru cracked his neck, and picked up his bags.

The train was huge. Sasuke had never seen anything like it, all red and shiny, and with so many carriages…He'd also never had to walk straight through a column of solid concrete before, either.

'Come on, come on already. First years go in that coach, yeah?' one of the twins waved them to the first carriage from the front, and the ten jet-lagged teenagers stumbled into it, followed by the pair of younger boys from earlier.

'Here!' The small, red-headed boy ushered them into an empty section, which even though it was extremely spacious, resulted in Naruto and Kiba being seated on the floor. Sasuke noticed his cat had now removed itself from him, and was perched atop the edge of the window.

The door of the room was flung open suddenly.

'Is there any room in here?' a girl with extremely wild hair poked her head in, before raising an eyebrow.

'I guess not…'

'No, no! Come in!' Sakura moved on to the floor. The girl shrugged her shoulders and smiled, seating herself down. She was dressed in a kind of uniform, and Ino raised an eyebrow.

'Is that the…Hogwarts uniform?' she asked.

'Yeah, that's what the girls get to wear.' The boy with red hair grinned, looking over at his friend. 'Don't worry Harry. Neither of us are going to have to wear skirts.'  
'HARRY?' the girl sat bolt upright, looking over at the dark-haired boy.

'…Yes?'

'Harry Potter?'

'…….Yes?'

'Wow. Everybody's going to know you're name at Hogwarts, you realise?'

'….I see.'

The boy seemed tired.

'Harry, you're glasses are broken.' The girl pulled out a wooden object, which to Naruto, resembled an exotic chopstick of some kind.

'_Occulus Repairo._'

The ten shinobi didn't quite understand what was going on. Shino began making plans for an ant farm on a loose piece of note paper, and Sasukes cat had began messing around beneath Kibas feet, putting Akamaru in a foul mood.  
The dull atmosphere was cut short quite suddenly, when the cat leapt into the middle of the floor, and in a few short seconds, had transformed into a middle-aged woman clad in black robes.  
Sasuke fell back in his seat, and proceeded to yell out in fluent English,

'WHAT THE FUCK?' and point accusingly at the person standing in front of him.

'…Profanities, Uchiha, profanities.' The woman straightened her hat, and turned to the ten teenagers accusingly.

'I welcome you to England, London, and soon to Hogwarts.' She coughed. 'But first, you must be issued with uniforms. She looked at the three students who were already in full uniform, shrugging her shoulders in a seemingly apologetic manner.

'Mr. Potter, Mr. Weasley and Miss Granger already have theirs. But since your arrival was so abrupt, it has been organised for you to be given them now.' She paused momentarily. 'Your books have also been paid for, considering you have none of our currency on you.'

The shinobi sat dumbfounded. Except for Sasuke, who was still frozen in an expression of pure mental disturbance. There had been an old woman sitting in his shirt.

'This is so weird….' Naruto was trying to figure out the purpose of the huge piece of black material he had been given by the lady, whom he had dubbed 'crow woman'.

'Perhaps it's meant for my head?' he tried wrapping it around his face. 'Nope.'

Luckily for the girls, clothes were no problem. The three of them were now staring at the lake that was now visible through the glass, and Sakura was attempting to converse with the students from before.

'I'm Haruno Sakura,' she grinned, slumping back into the seat next to the girl with bushy hair. 'Who are you?'

'Hermione Granger…' she paused, 'So your name is Haruno?'  
'No no, Sakura.' She laughed. 'The girl with the blonde hair is Yamanaka Ino, and the on next to her is Hyuuga Hinata.'

'What about the girl over there?' Hermione gestured towards Neji, who was retying his shoelaces repeatedly. She hadn't noticed the trousers.

'Neji? He's Hinatas cousin….A guy.'

'Eek. Sorry, I didn't notice that he was missing the skirt.' She giggled.

The conversation was cut short as Naruto, Sasuke and Shikamaru re-entered, wearing school uniforms neatly fitted to their size.

'I feel…..like a panda.' Sasuke scowled.

'Oh, be happy it fits.' Shikamaru growled, 'Even Choujis fitted.'

'I still don't get this "cloak" thing…' Naruto stared the black sheet-like garment he was still holding in his hands.

Ino turned around as the castle came into sight.

'Where's Chouji, anyway?'

'Bathroom.' Shikamaru sighed.

'I told him not to eat that plane food.' Sakura put her face in her hands.

Hermiones eyeballs were rolling.

'Can you guys speak English please? I don't know what's going on…'

'Agreed.' The boy known as Weasley added. 'Harry and I have no idea what's being said either.'

'…Alright.' Sakura nodded.

Hinata gasped, pointing out the window.

'Look!'

'Is that?...' Neji stood up, nearly tripping on a loose shoelace.

'I think so.'

'Yep. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.' Hermione grinned, as though Christmas had come early.

'A BOAT?' Neji wailed at the incredibly huge man who had just announced that all first years would be travelling across the lake by boat.

'Yeh, a boat.' The man said calmly, ushering Hinata, Shino, Chouji and Sasuke towards a wooden, rickety boat. Neji looked as though he was about to die.

'My cousin…gets travel sick.'

'Don't worry about it. She'll be fine. You'll be fine. We'll all be fine.'

'But..'

'Just get in the boat, kid.'

Naruto, Harry and the red-haired boy climbed into a boat, which was then boarded by Ino, Sakura, Hermione, Shikamaru and Neji, who was wide-eyed and shaking, as more students got into the boat.

'Doomed.' Neji mumbled through gritted teeth. 'All doomed.'

'What's he on about?' Ino sighed.

'Hinata gets seasick. And I think he's also prone to it.' Sakura replied, before turning to the red-haired boy.

'Never got your name.' she grinned.

'Ronald.' The boy scowled, as a blonde-haired, pale-skinned sat down behind him, and he tightened himself into a ball.

'You know, dyed hair isn't allowed in school.' The boy at the back grinned slightly.

'Leave her alone, Malfoy.' Ron growled, turning his head for a moment.

'Wasn't talking to you, Weasley.' The boy sneered, folding his arms. 'Not that you're any better. That couldn't possibly be a natural colour.'

Sakuras brow crinkled irritably.

'My hair is this colour naturally.' She replied, an aggravated tone obvious in her voice. The boy smirked.

'Yeah, right. And my hair is naturally bright purple.'

'If you're so jealous of it blondie, I could arrange for your hair to turn pink. It would probably suit you.' Sakura cracked her knuckles audibly.

At that moment, the boy named Harry turned around, causing the blonde teenager to lose all interest.

'You must be Harry Potter.' Malfoy outstretched one hand. 'I'm Draco Malfoy. If you need any friends,' he cast a momentary glance at Hermione, Sakura and Ron, 'You know where to ask.'

'Yeah…I do.' Harry did not outstretch his own hand, and turned back around to face the approaching Hogwarts castle. Sakura continued cracking her knuckles. There was, in front of her, a person more infuriating than Naruto.

Neji was still shaking as the boat moved. He hated water. Or at least, deep water. Travelling over it. Swimming in it. Walking on it. God knows what might be lurking beneath the waves.

'I…hope Hinata's….okay…' he mumbled shakily to himself as Naruto managed to rock the boat from side to side even more.

'Will you…stop that?' he clung to the side.

'Awww, but I want to catch a hold of Sasukes boat…' Naruto scowled at the boy. Neji was no fun.

Sasuke didn't find his boat trip that enjoyable. Chouji was now experiencing the inevitable projectile vomiting that Sakura had been warned about by Gaara, and Hinata was turning an intoxicating shade of green.

'Why…did it have to be a boat?' her eyes spun. Shino was busily trying to cover his face with the collar of his shirt, but it wasn't working.

'This is going to take getting used to, I think.' Shino growled at the floor of the boat.

'Everything is going to take getting used to.' Sasuke turned to Shino, desperately trying to avoid the sight of Choujis sickness, and Hinatas feverish-green gaze.

'I hope…we reach shore soon…' Hinata looked like she was just about to collapse.

Sasuke was beginning to miss the old cat that had kept him warm on the train. The old-woman cat creature with the huge, pointy hat. Oh god. He had developed a liking for cats. The boy shuddered.

'We seem to be nearing the shore.' Shino rubbed his glasses.

'Thank god.' Sasuke and Hinata appeared to be thinking the same thing.

---

Padme: This is enjoyable to write?

Vatra: Mreow? You were expecting otherwise?

Padme: EH? Where did Orochimaru go?  
Vatra: He decided it was time he got some coffee.  
Padme: Coffee?  
Vatra: Tea.  
Padme: …Tea.  
Vatra: Would you believe snake-flavoured sake?


	5. There is a pointy clothesbag on my head

Vatra: Are you seriously going to update?

Padme: Of course.

Vatra: Writing, drawing, and studying. What are you, female?

Padme: Vatra, that's a stupid question.

------

The Hat Organizes EVERYTHING

The lady Naruto had dubbed 'crow woman', was back. Inside the enormous building, the swarm of pre-teen children, which Naruto suspected, was the entire year group of new students, he sidestepped carefully back to join Ron, Harry and the girl whose name could not seem to rearrange itself correctly in his head. The bearded man, who seemed a permanent-user of double-size, and had escorted them across the lake, greeted her.

'First years!' he said enthusiastically, nudging one or two roughly towards her. They fell over.

'Thank you, Hagrid.' She put one hand over her face, perhaps disguising a giggle.

The students were led into an enormous hall. Sasuke tried to ignore the fact that it was several times larger than his house by shoving his hands into his robe-pockets roughly and growling about crowds. The girl Hermione was excitedly pointing at the ceiling, explaining how it was enchanted, and Naruto, amazed by this, struck up a conversation in broken English with her. The poor girl looked confused. Hinata tugged Shino's sleeve discreetly, and shot him an inquiring look.

'Don't we get to sit down?'

Shino remained expressionless.

'I expect new students are first placed into groups according to their skill. Like a preliminary exam.'

Shino was only half right. The students were organized into groups, but not according to skill. The mass of first years formed a line towards the front of the hall. Naruto yawned.

'I haaate waiting for things.' He mumbled, his lower lip jutting.

'I do too.' Ron copied Naruto's expression perfectly. The boy named Harry laughed audibly. They were shushed with a hiss from Hermione, who pointed out the large hat placed on the stool far in front.

'That's the Sorting Hat!' Ron exclaimed, grabbing Harry behind him.

'The what?' Naruto suddenly stopped sulking, and stuck his head out at an angle to see.

'Just looks like an old hat to me.' He raised an eyebrow.

'It's a magical hat, silly.' Hermione scolded him, 'It sorts you in to one of the four houses.'

'Houses? I thought this was a castle.' He was confused.

'No, houses. Teams.' She corrected him, laughing.

Naruto kind of understood. And the hat broke into song.

'So annoying.' Shikamaru stood behind Sakura, after the hat had ceased warbling, while she was staring loathingly at the back of the blonde kid who had insulted her earlier. As he was sorted into Slytherin house, Sakura noted the green snake banner on the wall.

'Suits him.' She mumbled.

'What?' Shikamaru sighed.

'The snake is Slytherin, the lion Gryffindor, the raven Ravenclaw, and the…other thing is Hufflepuff.' She explained, still staring at the black-and-white striped creature.

Her name was called, and the pink-haired girl made her way up, and contemplated the fact she was the first Konoha shinobi, to wear a magical hat of giant proportions.

_Hello. _Said a little voice in her head, and Sakura jumped. _You're not from around here, are you?_ It seemed humoured by the statement. _But you're damned hard working, you are. Talent, courage, persistence, not much patience though…._

'GRYFFINDOR!'

She was ushered to a table full of cheering students, after receiving a tie and scarf of red and gold colouration. Shikamaru was shoved unceremoniously forward by the girl behind him, who broke into giggles spontaneously.

'So bothersome…so annoying…hurry up, life…' he slumped sloppily into the seat, and the hat was placed over his head.

_Another one of you, eh? _It seemed a little amused. _You're laziness is made up for with your intelligence…._

'RAVENCLAW!'

He was handed a blue and maroon scarf and tie, and ushered towards a different table.

The line shrunk gradually, with Naruto and all three of his friends being sorted into Gryffindor with Sakura. Hinata and Kiba both joined them, while Neji and Shino followed Shikamaru into Ravenclaw, and only a few dozen students remained.

Ino sat down, her eyelids drooping. Such a long day.

_Patient. Irritable but determined. The solution for you, is obvious._

'HUFFLEPUFF!'

Sasuke and Chouji were the only two left, and as Chouji was sorted into Gryffindor, Sasuke yawned. The Uchiha made his way up slowly, like his friends, tired by the long day. He sat. His mind wandered. And then, the little voice spoke.

_Well, you seem to be the easiest one to place. Determination, skill, cunning, and willing to achieve your goals by any means…_

Sasuke was about to shout '_get out of my brain you ragged clothes-bag'_ when it shouted loudly over his thoughts,  
'SLYTHERIN!'

'Sasuke's not in the same house as us?' Naruto looked at Ron.

'Nope, he's with the Malfoy git.'

'…I see.' Naruto seemed somewhat disappointed. Part of him was going to miss Sasuke. Sakura however, sat down next to him, and Naruto perked up immediately. Hinata seemed a little bewildered by her sorting. She turned to Kiba, who was trying to stop Akamaru from leaping across the table towards a girl clutching a small black kitten.

'Kiba…Gryffindor is a lion, right?' she asked quietly.

'Yeah…why?' he grabbed his dog just as the kitten scrambled into it's owner's robes with a frightened mew.

'Lions are brave, I don't understand, why—' she began,

'You're sorted here, so you're obviously brave in some way. I don't know.' He shrugged, but Hinata didn't seem very convinced, and turned to face the table in front of her.

------

Vatra: MISS SASUKE?

Padme: Shut up, cat.

Vatra: XD

Padme: There will be no slash implications at this point!

Vatra: Miss Sasuke. Womanly. XDD

Padme: Only Because Word Capitalized It While I Was Typing.

R&R please.


End file.
